Some reflective thinking.....

Some of the blogs I visit have hit upon an interesting topic and it’s caused me to do some reflective thinking. Its basically a question of dreams and goals and is your life today what you expected it would be. And…how do you feel about your present status.

My life now is not what I expected it would be. I’ve had some twists and turns but I have to admit that things could be a lot worse than they are and that sort of makes up for any shortcomings. I think one of the darkest clouds hanging over my head all my life is the fact that I never thought I was as good as what I should be. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I never could achieve perfection, in my eyes. We all know women who have the perfect houses, the perfect children and the perfect spouses. Everything these women touch seems to turn to gold. They decorate perfectly, they cook perfectly and put together the most perfect parties or gatherings. I honestly don’t know HOW they do it. They must never sleep.

My mother was one of those women. I have not been able to follow in her perfect footsteps and for this I feel like such a failure. There! I said it. After all these years….I actually said it. I feel like a failure. At this age it bothers me less and less though. My children love me and somehow don’t think of me as a failure. My employer loved me and praised me for my work so I guess I wasn’t a failure there either. Why do I feel like one. Maybe its because my house is not as perfect as my mothers….or that perfect woman down the street from me. And, of course, "Martha" doesn't help your self-esteem much. I have some dust on my tables and a pile of books sitting near the couch, among other imperfections. I’ve always felt that reading a good book takes priority over dusting a table. Drawing pictures with the kids takes priority over waxing the floor and comforting a friend takes priority over ironing clothes.

I guess maybe I’ve just never had my priorities straight. However, I’m glad that I’m finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. And even though I do love her, it did help when Martha went to prison....I can make myself feel better by saying at least I don't have a record. I now have a “this is me, take it or leave it…..or what you see is what you get” approach to life. I’m not out to impress anyone….I’m just me and even though my life isn’t what I had pictured for myself, I didn’t do too badly. I certainly can't do it over now. I do seem to have the respect of most everyone who knows me….I just need to have that same respect for myself and acknowledge that even though I’m not perfect, it seems as though I am loved and that’s a pretty good accomplishment. How do you feel about your life so far?