To Be or Not To Be.....

.....searching. Well, some of you have been with me since the beginning. I admit I've gone through several phases of writing about things, but I have never covered this one to any extent. Lately, my friends IRL have been bugging me about doing something and I'm quite confused over it because part of me thinks it may be interesting to try and another part of me is screaming....NO, NO, NO.

As you know or have surmised, I am divorced (my choice) and have been for 27 years. I was burned badly and I don't get over things quickly or easily. I don't have a lot of trust. I really need some advice from the ones I DO trust.....and all of you who have been loyal readers fall into that category. I'm going to ask a question and hope that I can get back some responses that will enlighten me and perhaps give me that little 'shove' toward doing something that could enhance my life. OR at least settle the debate I've been having with myself once and for all.

My IRL friends think I should look for a companion; someone who will be company for me; someone who has a lot of the same interests. I'm not a horribly complicated person.....but I AM complicated to a point, as most everyone is.

It's been suggested that I attempt to find a male companion for myself. I do NOT have marriage in mind at all. I can support myself so I'm not looking for someone else to do that. What I would like is to have someone else to share things with. I absolutely NEED someone who has a glorious sense of humor. I love to laugh and need to find someone who has the ability to keep me laughing.....and yes, my sense of humor is sometimes a strange one.

I really don't want to post my name on a match-mate web-site and I don't want to go to a meeting where everyone is looking for someone. I'm a bit above average intelligence, can make myself rather presentable with some powder and paint. I'm overweight past the "pleasingly plump" stage and somewhat closer to the housekeeper on "Two and a Half Men", except I'm short and (I think) more attractive.

I'd love to have someone other than my dog to enjoy a movie with, to discuss a book with and to visit some interesting places a gas tank away from home. I do have a bad hip and walking any distances is not anything I would consider. I know I'm not a great candidate......but maybe there is a man out there who is a lot like me and thinking the same things about himself.

All I really demand of someone else is that they are clean, honest, have enough money coming in to support themselves, believe in God, have no criminal record and no addictions. (drugs or alcohol) AND possess a great sense of humor. Part of me doesn't want to meet anyone new so it would have to start out with emails going back and forth until we felt comfortable. I realize I'm not getting any younger (67) and my 'companion' would have to be close to the same age. Ten years ago someone got me to put my name in for one of those on-line matching services and I was shocked to see that mostly males who were twenty-something in age responded. I didn't answer any of the responses mainly because I felt they were looking for someone to support them.

So.....what would YOU do. I do feel lonesome at times and would just love to sit and gab to someone that has some things in common with me. Tell me what you think.....tell me about some true stories you've heard....good or bad. Tell me if you think there are any old guys out there that would be interested in meeting someone like me. I retired after 25 years of civilian work in law enforcement, so have plenty of stories along those lines. LOL

I may even pull this post after I've thought about it for a while......(can you hear the chicken clucking?)

The Road Less Traveled.....

I find roads like this relaxing if you're prepared to drive them. That means a car in good working order and a full gas tank, not to mention a fully charged up cell phone. In my younger days I would often venture down unfamiliar roads just to take in the scenery. So I guess you could say....'in the highway of life, I've taken the roads less traveled'.....but tried to prepare myself for the unknown.

I'm still doing that because, at my age, life in the fast lane would be more than nerve-wracking. Even though my career was one of high-stress and split second decisions that affected the lives of others, I chose to take things at a much slower pace away from the work-place. I am now in the twilight of my years and, due to my country road association in life, there are many things I have not done. Do I want to do them? Not so much. I honestly do not feel as though I've missed out on many important things in life, even though I never did find my soul-mate. I think that is the one single thing I mourn.

This last week end was a retrospective not only for TV but also for me personally. I whipped open the filing cabinet drawers in my mind and pulled out old memories; some happy, some funny and some regrets. Thankfully, the regret filing cabinet is not too full.

I guess I can attribute that to the fact that I usually think things out before doing them. It's that long quiet drive down a country road, rather than the freeway where life goes by in a blur. Oh yes, I've made mistakes, that's for sure. But the mistakes I've made never hurt anyone but me. In a nutshell, I think I've done pretty well with my life.....but one thing still bothers me.

The loss of who I thought was a good friend.

We met in high school and became close friends. We were both 'only children' and sort of adopted each other to be our sister. She and I were as close as any true blood sisters could ever be. For 35 years. We went through boyfriends, breakups, marriage, childbirth, new houses, death of parents and divorce to name a few. She was always there for me and I for her. I saw her nearly every day for those 30-some years. We were godparents for each other's children. We told each other everything. Or so I thought.

I didn't lose this friendship due to death......I lost it due to greed.

After the death of my father, she began to change. I found out she was stealing things from my father's house and giving them to her son. She attempted to push the blame of the missing articles onto my own daughter. Then she claimed serious injury on my property and sued me fraudulently. (eventually settled out of court for only 2 thousand dollars instead of the THOUSANDS she was requesting) Basically, she sold our friendship for 22 hundred dollars.

As long as I live, I will never understand why my best friend ever did such a thing. I thought I knew her......it was obvious, I really did not.

All this happened way over 20 years ago and I still mourn our lost friendship. Yes, I've cautiously made other friends and most of those have now moved away either to another state or otherwise......I wish I could forget about this. Sometimes I want to call her up and suggest we forget about what happened and continue our friendship the way it used to be. But then I realize the reality of it all.......I could never trust her again and real true friendships are built on trust.

I really need to find a way to get over this. Can anyone offer me some words of wisdom.....some words that will give me the courage to put this in the filing cabinet marked "to be shredded".....and then forever be done with it?

On a brighter note.....my computer at work crashed. Most of my work is saved on a network server and is safe but some of it had been saved to my desktop (my fault.....bad move) and those things may be gone. Probably 20 documents. Tech support will attempt to retrieve them but he told me not to hold my breath. But the good thing is, at work I now have a new Dell that is so much faster. I also have 2010 Microsoft Office, which I will have to familiarize myself with, plus a new wireless keyboard and mouse. Not that I'm not grateful, but I don't like the feel of the keyboard. I suppose I will eventually get used to it.

Til next time.....keep smilin'.