Thursday, May 14, 2009

OMG...this is funny

I was cleaning out some old documents on my computer and came across this. It's laugh-out-loud funny and wish I could take credit for creating it. Anyone who has a cat or cats will understand.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away
.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws
firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to stretch out flat on top of cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave just the head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon, drop pill in.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw shredded
tee shirt away and put on new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with
small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold
head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the
furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Mix yourself stiff drink, collapse on sofa. Purring cat lounges in your lap.

Enjoy your Friday everyone!

7 comments:

Smocha said...

LOL , If you read my old "Sweden diary" on my blog , you could hear it live. LOL

Little tiny cats can do the damage of a frekin wild lion!


I hope I never have to go through it again.

Smocha said...

P.s. It's been years and I still need a drink, just thinking about it!!

Dear Liza said...

LOLOL! Thank you for the laugh this morning, there is so much truth in this!

Happy Friday friend. :)

forsythia said...

Never try to medicate a sick cat. Wait until it is well and in a better mood.

Romany Angel said...

Oh Val I have tears running down my cheeks...that was hysterical. I especially liked #10 as I got a good visual of that one.

I would have given up after the first or second attempt but that's because I'm not fond of cats or blood especially my own.

Have a great weekend and thanks for the giggle.

Joy Des Jardins said...

I don't even have a cat, but that is so friggin' funny Val. I'm passing this on to my friend who does have a cat...she's going to love it. Thanks sweetie.... ~Joy

fiwa said...

Just popped by to give you my love.
:)