Saturday, January 5, 2008

Reflections.....

When you don’t feel so hot and have to lie around, your mind keeps on working. No shutting it off, that’s for sure. I thought about so many things, about things I did in my lifetime, about things I could have done and lastly, things I should have done. Remembering back on the joys and the sorrows I really don’t think I would have done much differently. Not to say that I don’t have some regrets but I don’t seem to have any events that warrant tearing of the hair and falling to the floor in anguish. Does that make me a boring person? Although a lot of things have happened in my life that left me puzzled, I’m the type of person who used to believe that an answer to all questions will be known eventually but I know now that that’s just not true…..at least not in this life.

Other than the loss of my parents, the occurrence that devastated me the most was the loss of a friend. I met her in high school and we carried on a 30-year friendship. She was as close to me as a sister. Since we were both only children, I think we sought out a sisterly relationship. She, being a year older than I, took on the role of the big sister. She was in my wedding, at the birth of my first child, with me when my mother died, support for me during my divorce and also there with me when my father died. We told each other everything…or so I thought. We saw each other almost every day and talked on the phone every day. She changed. I have never understood why. Our friendship died, not her. I miss her. We can never get our friendship back as the trust has been destroyed. It’s been 17 years since our friendship died. Since then I’ve had a hard time trusting anyone and have held back on becoming too close. I want to fix that this year. I want to trust again. Now, the question is…..can I?

14 comments:

fiwa said...

Oh Val, that is so sad. I hope you can, we all need friends. That's such a long time to be friends with someone - that must have hurt so badly. If it's going through your head though, maybe that's your guardian angel's way of telling you it's time to put it behind you and start fresh. I hope "guardian angel" doesn't offend you - call it God or the Universe or whatever, I call those taps on the shoulder telling you to pay attention.

Good luck & lovins,
fiwa

Gypsy said...

Like you Val, I have been laying around with only my thoughts for company and my mind has gone to all sorts of places this week. It's very disappointing when someone changes right before your eyes and you don't understand why. Especially when that person has shared so much with you and you them. That happened to me this year and after many days and weeks of wringing my hands and wondering why, I just realised that it was something I couldn't do anything about and reluctantly walked away.

I know it sounds terrible but I don't let anyone get TOO close anymore, not in my real life anyway. I have been walked all over and taken advantage of too many times to count and I'm tired of being hurt and disappointed in the people I have trusted the most.

I hope it works out for you though and admire you for having the courage to take a chance.

JYankee said...

dont lose faith Val.. yes there are a lot of people out there who are up to no good.. but there are good people too..and finding them is a challenge..but you will find that someone you can trust.. slow and steady..

Kelly Jene said...

I think we have to be more careful with who we give our trust to, but there are some people trust-worthy. It'll take time, but I think it's possible.

Hey, Me and Bobby Magee is my favorite Janis Joplin song too! My kids have to listen to me belting it out. :)

Take care!

simonsays said...

Yes you can. The question really is "do you want to". And you have already said that you do. I think it's wonderful that you do. It seems so often that once we are hurt to that degree we cannot ever let ourselves care again.

I don't put that much of me out there anymore, but I can still care deeply. My ex husband/best friend took that from me, and yet, that isnt really a fair statement to make, because I believe that only the young can become that entangled, that tied up in someone else. At least for me.

Val-you are such a wonderful woman with so much warmth and love and humor, you would be so foolish not to make all kinds of wonderful friends...and yes, even a very, very close one. Without taking that chance, you know that you too, miss out on so much. :)

mapiprincesa! said...

Val, it can be so hard, especially with somebody you feel so particularly close to, to let that person in, to let the defenses completely down so as to let them see the complete person, faults and all. So many factors can contribute: fear of losing the friend, fear of judgment, fear of letting your friend down...yet in the end it turns out hardly worthwhile, if paths will bifurcate as a result of such secrets being kept...

It is food for thought. I know that I feel I can tell my true friends anything, and I know from experience that those who never were my true friend and in whom I have mistakenly confided have now left my side. But those painful separations can make it so difficult to seek out confidence with those you consider so close. You said that she took on the role of "big sister." It is quite likely she did not want to let you down in some way, disappoint you by perhaps having made a decision she feared you would not have approved of. That is not my job to say, whether or not you would have approved 17 years ago...but oh, how I applaud your desire to go and fix it this year!! To me, absolutely nothing would mean more.

Be well, Val.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Fiwa ~ I have missed having a best friend so very much...someone to confide me and to get an opinion on things...but my trust was shattered. Yes, I do believe in guardian angels and God and I think that I was meant to see the 'real' person that she is. ....which isn't a very nice person at all. Thank you for your kind words.

Gypsy ~ Yes, I knew that you would understand...I had a feeling that you had suffered close to the same way I have. We Pisces are such good-hearted and kind people that others find taking advantage of us so easy...and its just so wrong. She became my friend in the first place because I felt sorry for her...she had no other friends and others made fun of her for her size. I thought I had found a good loyal friend, but found out otherwise many years later. I really do think she was jealous of an inheritance I had received and that's what started it...she always had more than I and liked it that way. Thank you for commenting...hope you're feeling better Gypsy girl.

Jyankee ~ I know you're right...but I just don't know if I can trust again, even though I really want to. Only time will tell.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Kelly Jene ~ I know you're right...wish there was some sort of test you could give a person to find out if they are a phony or not before you start to trust them.

Jamie ~ Yes, I really want to...I miss the talks and input...but I've been struggling with this for a while now...I just can't seem to trust anyone anymore and that's sad for me. I have many acquaintances, but don't let any get too close. My other best friend lives across the nation and I do trust her with my life...but she's not closeby anymore. We can't pick up the phone and talk for 2 hours and she doesn't do email.
So, I guess I will just wait and see what happens.
You, being a Pisces too, have probably felt the sting of people taking advantage of you and your good nature. When you get to be a certain age, that doesn't happen as much because you have learned a lesson. Sad, but true.
Hope you're feeling better and better. Thanks for your kind words.

Mapi ~ Her role as big sister was more of a boss. She was very bossy with me...but a lot of times she was right so I let her get away with it. I do think that jealousy may have reared its ugly head. She always had more than I and after I was left an inheritance, she changed....dramatically. Material things mean little to me as far as social status...but she is different. She stole from me for one thing...and I would have never believed that of her.
Sometimes I wonder ~ do we ever truly know anyone...even those we've known for years? I think you know the answer to that one.
I want to trust again enough to have a close friend but I know I can never trust completely again.
Thank you for your kind comments...you always make me feel so cared about. Have a wonderful Sunday.

ordinaryjanet said...

I lost a longtime friend, one I'd known since I was a little girl, but she was never a "best" friend-I'd always known I couldn't trust her. I think about her sometimes, but I don't have any interest in renewing the friendship. I think the only person I really trust is my mom, and even then it's not 100%. I've always held back a part of myself. My mom said she's like that too-never 100%. I don't think it detracts from any relationship to hold part of yourself back. I think that's self-preservation.

SOUL: said...

deep wounds leave big scars... but they do stop bleeding.

i don't have a damn clue wth that means.. it's just the keys my fingers decided to hit.
so there ya have it.
:))
happy sunday

The Real Mother Hen said...

When one reflects, one isn't a boring person, but a wise person.
I like your blog, came over here from Soul Land :)

Golden To Silver Val said...

Janet ~ Moms should be trusted, thats for sure. And you're right, holding back a little is ok....you have to or you'd lose yourself.

Soul-friend ~ See why I love you so much...you always know just the right thing to say. Its a gift. :]

Mother Hen ~ Welcome! Please come back often. Your statement is deep and also wise. Thank you.

SOUL: said...

charlotte-- i really don't always have the right thing to say--- i really wish i did. man-o-man.. i wish i did.
i do hope you keep on the gettin better track.. this is a hell of a icky you got a hold of.
happy monday
latah

btw-- i'm still waitin for this.. umm... supposed "limbery finger needin" email.. did you lose your muse? :))

Anonymous said...

Hi...
Sometimes in life we need to separate from the "toxic" people in our lives..I know I had to do that same thing this past year. You have to realize it is healthier for you and your life.
Don't be afraid to trust again.......get out htere girl you sound like someone I would love to have as a friend!!!
Pam 'Oh Da Woods!!
http://dawoods12.blogspot.com