Monday, December 31, 2007

Goin' out with a bit of Humor.....

A Texan Moves North

January 10th:
It's 5:00pm and it's starting to snow. The first of the season and
the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum
and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, cling to the
trees and cover the ground. It was so beautiful.

January 11th:
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the land
scape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful
mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did
both driveway and sidewalk. Later, a snowplow came along and accidentally
covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved
and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

January 12th:
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped from the snow. I
shoveled the drive again. Afterwards, the snowplow came again. Now the snow
is brownish-gray.

January 13th:
It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the
temperature dropped. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the
driveway, $145.00 to chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

January 14th:
Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to
work. Slid into a guardrail anyway with considerable damage. Another 8 inches
of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling
for me. The goddamn snowplow came twice today.

January 15th:
It's 8 fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree on our
property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to
keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped
over and nearly burned the fucking house down. Managed to put out the flames
but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and
eyebrows. Car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room, and totaled
it.

January 16th:
More motherfucking goddamn white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch
the son-of-a-bitch who drives the fucking snowplow, I'll tear open his chest
and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till after I've
shoveled. Power is still off. Toilet froze. Roof has started to cave in.

January 17th:
Six more fucking inches of this white shit and fucking sleet and no
telling what the fuck else will happen. I wounded the snowplow asshole with
an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm
going snow-blind. I can't feel my fucking toes. haven't seen the sun in
weeks and more white shit forecasted. Wind chill is 22 below. moving back to
Texas.

12 comments:

mapiprincesa! said...

:) thanks, much needed.

Happy New Year, Val. You are a blessing and I look forward to reading you in the Year to come.

fiwa said...

Heehee... when the weather drops below 65 my family in Texas starts complaining about the "cold". I hope you have a wonderful New Year, friend.

All my lovins,
fiwa

SOUL: said...

that was me--in kansas... :))

ordinaryjanet said...

Read a variation of that a while back, still funny though!

Happy New Year!

hensteeth said...

Oh, how funny!

The weekend we moved across country to Denver there was a record breaking Easter blizzard. It was like, put the boxes back on the truck. Now. It took eight more years to hightail my Southern behind out of there.

Wishing you a 2008 sprinkled with little joys that make you smile.

Kelly Jene said...

LOL... too funny!

Oldy said...

That was me in Chicago. I shudder in pain at the memory:)))

Hilarious when it's someone else. ha ha ha

SOUL: said...

happy new year charlotte!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I don't like it either!

:-)

SOUL: said...

where oh where have you gone charlotte??? are you feeling better?
you aren't still in bed are ya?
hope not.
laterz

SOUL: said...

testing....testing... check...check..

Gypsy said...

Well that was quite a "turn around" and SO funny. Thanks for the laugh Val.