Sunday, January 22, 2012

To Be or Not To Be.....

.....searching. Well, some of you have been with me since the beginning. I admit I've gone through several phases of writing about things, but I have never covered this one to any extent. Lately, my friends IRL have been bugging me about doing something and I'm quite confused over it because part of me thinks it may be interesting to try and another part of me is screaming....NO, NO, NO.

As you know or have surmised, I am divorced (my choice) and have been for 27 years. I was burned badly and I don't get over things quickly or easily. I don't have a lot of trust. I really need some advice from the ones I DO trust.....and all of you who have been loyal readers fall into that category. I'm going to ask a question and hope that I can get back some responses that will enlighten me and perhaps give me that little 'shove' toward doing something that could enhance my life. OR at least settle the debate I've been having with myself once and for all.

My IRL friends think I should look for a companion; someone who will be company for me; someone who has a lot of the same interests. I'm not a horribly complicated person.....but I AM complicated to a point, as most everyone is.

It's been suggested that I attempt to find a male companion for myself. I do NOT have marriage in mind at all. I can support myself so I'm not looking for someone else to do that. What I would like is to have someone else to share things with. I absolutely NEED someone who has a glorious sense of humor. I love to laugh and need to find someone who has the ability to keep me laughing.....and yes, my sense of humor is sometimes a strange one.

I really don't want to post my name on a match-mate web-site and I don't want to go to a meeting where everyone is looking for someone. I'm a bit above average intelligence, can make myself rather presentable with some powder and paint. I'm overweight past the "pleasingly plump" stage and somewhat closer to the housekeeper on "Two and a Half Men", except I'm short and (I think) more attractive.

I'd love to have someone other than my dog to enjoy a movie with, to discuss a book with and to visit some interesting places a gas tank away from home. I do have a bad hip and walking any distances is not anything I would consider. I know I'm not a great candidate......but maybe there is a man out there who is a lot like me and thinking the same things about himself.

All I really demand of someone else is that they are clean, honest, have enough money coming in to support themselves, believe in God, have no criminal record and no addictions. (drugs or alcohol) AND possess a great sense of humor. Part of me doesn't want to meet anyone new so it would have to start out with emails going back and forth until we felt comfortable. I realize I'm not getting any younger (67) and my 'companion' would have to be close to the same age. Ten years ago someone got me to put my name in for one of those on-line matching services and I was shocked to see that mostly males who were twenty-something in age responded. I didn't answer any of the responses mainly because I felt they were looking for someone to support them.

So.....what would YOU do. I do feel lonesome at times and would just love to sit and gab to someone that has some things in common with me. Tell me what you think.....tell me about some true stories you've heard....good or bad. Tell me if you think there are any old guys out there that would be interested in meeting someone like me. I retired after 25 years of civilian work in law enforcement, so have plenty of stories along those lines. LOL

I may even pull this post after I've thought about it for a while......(can you hear the chicken clucking?)


Paxie said...

Val, I have been separated/divorced for 11 years and have yet to move on, for exactly the reasons you said. I understand completely.

I also can't give any advice because I'm in the same boat! I don't even have a dog! I enjoy my time alone, but would like the companion part occasionally.

Chicken clucking here too LOL

Hope someone else can help :)

myomyohi said...

Hi Val.
I believe we all go through stages. I married young, had three daughters. Divorced just after turning 27, and raised my daughters as a single mother. I remained single for 18 years. I didn't date for all those years. I too didn't trust anyone, with my heart or my daughters.

After 18 years, my daughters had all moved out, and I suddenly decided to try It was amazing how many lonely people there are. I enjoyed the experience, which I had definitely not expected.

I met my husband on, he was only 35 miles away. My brother in central Ohio met his wife who was in Boston, and my sister in law in Florida met her husband who was in Ohio.

I don't want to sound like an online dating ad. It isn't for everyone. I do however whish you lived in Ohio. If you did I would introduce you to a very sweet friend who is your age, has eyes that sparkle when he laughs, and is also looking for a friend to share a few of lifes adventures.

My advice: Be brave, take it a day at a time, and be open to new experiences.


Linda@VS said...

I'm 69 and have been divorced for 30 years, and I completely understand your ambivalence. There are times when I think it would be great to have a male companion who has the same interests I do, but I don't really want to do the work it would take to find such a person. I chose husbands (twice) with whom I felt close enough connections that I overlooked the fact that we didn't enjoy many of the same things. I felt as if I lost parts of myself in those relationships, and I'm not willing to do that again. I've thought about participating in local senior center activities in order to meet both male and female friends, but the truth is I don't want to have to spend a lot of time with people who don't interest me in order to find the few who do. Shameful but honest, huh? I'd enjoy the company of a man who WANTS to be with me but not one who NEEDS a woman to make him feel complete. I'd want him to be complete already, just as I feel I am. I do believe there are some good men out there who are looking for the same things you and I are, but those men are no doubt as cautious and as skeptical as we are, too. That's probably why they're so hard to find. I don't know where to tell you to look for them, but I can at least wish you good luck.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hey, Being lonely is no fun. So where are you looking? Are you active within a church group..that would be a good place to start. It seems to me nowadays you are better off asking friends who won't steer you wrong and may have a friend or relative that would fit the bill.
Don't give up on an online match..if the men are honest..then it could be a good just never know.
Personally I would join lots of organizations that might have men..Lions, Historical Museums, Friends of the Library..volunteers of any might be pleasantly surprised:)

forsythia said...

You strike me as so much fun that you'll probably have to fend off more than a few, but volunteering is a good way to meet people, attending church, senior centers, if you have one. One just opened in our town. In addition to a fitness center, they offer classes in everything from genealogy to line dance and everyone seems very friendly. My step-mother's doctor suggested she join "The Happy Wanderers," a local travel group for older people, but she would have none of it. Sounded like a good idea to me. She was a widow for 46 years and pretty much kept to herself. Two guys were sweet on her, but she let them know in no uncertain terms that she was not interested. Maybe if Billy Graham or Robert Schuller had been available it would have been a different story. I think it was hard being married to my dad.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Dearest Val, once again we share each other's thoughts and hearts! I could have written this very same letter just four short years ago. I don't know how much you remember from back when we first met, but I was at the same point in my life, doing ok on my own but also wanting companionship. After three truly horrendous marriages, and past fifty years of age, I found it very hard to believe that not only would it be extremely difficult to find someone I would be compatible with and enjoy, but most likely impossible that someone would not only find me a desirable "catch". When we are mature, we are set in our ways, and not likely to change much. The beauty in that is that we are also more likely to have a "this is what I am, take it or leave it" attitude as opposed to younger women (including myself) who are willing to deny much of what is important to them to become what someone else wants, or to attempt it.

My life, the past four years of it, ARE THE ANSWER to your question! Yes my dear, friendship and love can and do happen everyday for all kinds of people no matter what age/shape/quirks/pets and baggage they may come with!

For sure I met my share of crazies on the dating site, they are out there. But I never dreamed it would also lead me to the most wonderful man God could have sent my way. If I could clone John and sell the copies, I would be a very wealthy woman indeed. In my case God saved the very best for last, and I have the wisdom from past experience to appreciate the blessing that he is. He would readily tell you that I am a bit weird, and I would tell you that he is a bit "detail oriented", but the bottom line is that we love each other dearly and wouldn't be anywhere near as happy in this stage of our life without each other.

Scary as the notion is, I believe with all my heart that God has someone out there who would add something very special to your life, and I encourage you to GO FOR IT! We'll all be here to share in the adventure and encourage you when it feels defeating. I nearly cancelled my subscription to the online dating site a week before I met John because I was so disillusioned with the process... it sure is good thing I said "one more month"! From everything I've read on your blog over the years, I think you would be a true treasure that would bless some wonderful guy's life tremendously, and he's out there hoping for love just like you are. Love knows it's own time, this might just be yours! HUGS

smocha said...

Hey Val,

First let me wave at my sister in law, myra . Hi Myra :)

Val, one of my bff's is 72 years old. She was married for decades and then took care of her husband for 12 years while he battled breast cancer. He died a few years ago and my plucky friend jumped right back into the dating world with both feet!

She doesn't want a husband and she doesn't want some bum ,but she does want someone to do things with.

She has met a few men now. One got too clingy,one was too senile, and one had bad knees (;).

She is still out there dating. She goes to a single senior breakfast on Saturdays,and has even met a man at the grocery store.

They're out there Val, and they're dying to meet you!

I had an 80 year old woman come to my yard sale and when I asked her about the huge diamond on her hand she told me she had "just gotten married to a man down my street"

However you go about it, I say go for it! What have you got to lose. You're wise enough to call the shots now and the duds will give you good blog fodder for us :)

Hugs :) ,Smocha

Peruby said...

Wow. I was going to say "go for it" before I read the comments.

What do you have to lose? You sound like you can handle most anything that comes your way.

At the very least it would make for good blogging if you so desire to write about it.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I probably don't qualify as one of your trusted readers as I am a relative newcomer here. I have also far less years of experience and am a man. Despite these disqualifiers, I hope you don't mind me throwing in my two bits.

It seems that you are looking for a friend and companion. That is probably the best place to start - finding a friend. So I would forget dating or matchmaking sites. Instead, I would suggest joining some social groups like maybe dancing at the YMCA, craft classes, charity work teams etc. where you would meet someone of similar taste and interests and just let friendships develop naturally.

Marla said...

Val, I'm a "newbie" too. But I wanted to let you know that I have a cousin in Ohio who met a wonderful man/friend/golf partner through an online service there. I think the computer is a pretty safe way to check out people, before meeting in person. I think you should give it a try.
Also, my sis-in-law who is divorced met a widower at her church...and they just recently got engaged!
Men and women want to laugh and spend time together at all ages and phases in their lives. So, don't be afraid. You can keep the control too! Go for it!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I agree with those who suggest getting involved in groups and activities that might help you meet like-minded individuals. There's no pressure; if you enjoy the activities you are enriching your life while you meet new people. If the group doesn't feel right, you can try another. (In fact, the same would be true if you join an online service.... Some like seem to have gotten better over the years, I'm told.) As others have said, Go for it!

Beau's Mom said...

I haven't read any of the answers yet because I didn't want to be influenced by common sense. You know how lonely I am for a woman's friendship.

But every woman has her own baggage (or BRAGgage) that rubs me the wrong way.

When you realize that men are the same: BAGGAGE + years on this earth, your chances are nil to none that they would introduce harmony into your life without a shitload of DIS-harmony you would have to adjust to.

The ONLY way I got together with Joe is because (not only was HE forcing the issue) the entire fire department was forcing the issue.

Left to my own devices, I feel better when I go to the movies. You're forced to get OUT, you have people around, and you have your popcorn all to yourself.

It hurts me that you are so lonely when only 900 miles separate us. *crap*

Joy Des Jardins said...

I go through some lonesome times too Val...and think I should pursue that avenue too; but honestly, I don't really think I want to do it at this stage in my life. Since my husband dies over six years ago, I spent way too much time alone in this big house...not counting all the time I spend with two of my kids who live very close by. I don't think it's the best thing for someone who enjoys people and chatting with them...just like you; but I have seemed to put myself in this little secluded place I do know what you're tallking about. There are many wonderful men out there that would undoubtedly love to spend time with you and your beautiful personality. It's just a matter of making those connections if you really feel you need that. About five years ago my boyfriend from my high school days called me out of the blue to connect again. He's a wonderful guy, and we had dinner and hung out from time to time. We still connect every so often, but I tend to keep it from heading in a direction I may not be comfortable with. I think timing, among other things, has a lot to do with it. Big hugs to you sweetie... ~Joy

ain't for city gals said...

I think you have been thinking about this for a while...go for it! I would try to meet with people in person first but online might work according to some of the comments. What I tell my sister is "IT IS ONLY LUNCH"!! try it might like it! Lots and lots of good guys out there....

Leann said...

Hi Val,

Well it took me awhile to read this post and I'm sorry I delayed. I too have been single for several years after two bad marriages. Not sure I want to go down that road again. Dating for me is difficult because I am an all or nothing kinda gal. I don't want to have to go through dozens of frogs to meet my prince. And quite honestly I'm not sure I have the time, energy, or desire to step back into the dating world. It would be nice to have a companion and friend to do things with. Movies, dinners, travel, etc. For now I've chosen a roommate situation with another lady my age. We are a lot alike so easy to live together and we have a lot of the same interests. We go about our day to day lives and meet up when it's convenient to do things together. When my kids left home I relied on them to entertain me and keep me company. As they have grown their own families and I have wandered here and there in mine I have realized that they have their own lives. That is what we raise them to do. Now it's time for me to find mine. I don't want to grow old alone. To rattle around a house and become a hermit because there is no one to 'hang' with. My Mom is 71 and she gets so lonely. I don't want that. I work hard to grown friendships and get involved in activities that interest me. I too have heard that a great way to meet someone is to volunteer in activities that interest you and you will meet someone who is just as interested. Bonds of friendship form and perhaps blossom into something more. I truly with you the best and hope you find someone out there just for you.

Gayle said...

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of wonderful suggestions. Maybe "friend" is a better word than "companion". Going to lunch, seeing a play, concerts, ect. You can make some great friendships...male and female...just get yourself out there. Take a plunge and talk to a stranger... you never know where it made lead you.